Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Life, Loss and Gratitude

I debated for a while whether or not to write about this, but this is a place to record our memories whether they be good or bad (or sad).

This past June, I found out I was pregnant. I was super excited, and couldn't wait to tell the Mr. My sweet "baby" Hadley's almost 3 and I've had baby fever for a while now. I tried to make it a surprise and sneak it into his Father's day card by signing it Gracen, Hadley & Baby, but he of course looks at the receipt from the grocery store ONE DAY BEFORE and saw that I had bought pre-natal vitamins and asked if I had something to tell him!

My first doctor's appt was July 6th, and it was confirmed, we were officially expecting! It was incredibly difficult not to tell anyone, especially since I had really bad morning (all day) sickness. But I wouldn't let the Mr. tell anyone until I told my work which would be around the 12 week mark. This summer was pretty rough because of the nausea. Everyday at work was miserable when people would heat up their lunches, literally everything made me want to puke. It didn't help that the Mr. had class every single night from 6-9 pm, so I was pretty much on my own with the girls at night. Let's just say we watched a lot of movies. Mother of the year :)

My second doctor's appt was August 6th. So with the girls and the Mr. in tow we headed in to hear that sweet sounding hearbeat. We decided to tell the girls on the way there what we were doing and why we were going. The nurse practitioner came in and was having difficulty finding the heart beat. She tried to make light of the situation by saying "maybe the baby's hiding, you didn't have any trouble finding your girls heartbeats, maybe that means this ones a boy!" Of course I had 10 million things going on in my head, and all I said (or maybe just thought, it's pretty blurry at this point) was "don't get my husband's hopes up". We headed down to get a sonogram since we couldn't find the heartbeat with a doppler, and as soon as we started I knew something was wrong. Our fears were confirmed, we had lost the baby.

They didn't really have any answers for us, no reason why, and that's incredibly difficult to hear that "sometimes these things just happen". It's incredibly difficult not to try and go over every single moment of every single day up until that point to see if you were doing something you shouldn't have been. Did I accidentally have a glass of wine before I knew? Did I ever eat sushi? Did I forget and eat deli turkey? Did I play too rough with the girls? It was a lot to handle. After the sonogram was confirmed by a doctor, not just the sonographer, we were brought to yet another room to discuss our options. Of course my actual doctor was on vacation all week, so on top of everything, I was discussing these things with people I've never met.Since I was so far a long, they scheduled me for a D&C on Thursday.

I was on an emotional rollercoaster for the next 2 days. I had no idea how to mourn for my baby that I never got to meet, never even got to hear his/her heartbeat when there was one. It all sort of passed by in a rush because I sort of numbed myself to the outside world and my dear sweet husband pretty much let me sleep all the time because it was the only thing I wanted to do. Our girls didn't really understand what was going on, and pretty much had forgotten that we had told them there was a baby in my belly. Busy 2 and 4 year olds tend to forget things quickly :)

Thursday morning walking into the hospital was pretty painful. The last 2 times I was checked in I got to come home with a sweet and snuggly baby. This time I didn't know what to expect. When I got to my room  I had a wonderful nurse that got my IV started, and kind of explained what was going to happen and when. (It's an incredibly sad procedure, one that I won't go into detail on here) And once again luck was not on my side. Dr. Wright (Rhonda Wright, how ironic is that?) was at another hospital where there was a trauma or something and she didn't know when she'd be arriving for my surgery, that was scheduled to start in 20 minutes. Awesome. It was FUHreezing in the hospital, I had 2 warmed blankets on me and was STILL cold, I was already a hot mess from the emotional toll of what was about to happen and now you're telling me it's going to be delayed for who knows how long, possibly re-scheduled?! This really wasn't my day. Finally she arrived, only about 20 minutes late, and went through everything with me.

They gave me some drugs, and bless them, because I don't remember a single thing after. I don't even remember being wheeled into the OR where they gave me the real anesthesia medicine. The next thing I knew I was waking up without a baby anymore. I felt incredibly empty and just wanted to be home in my own bed. I took a couple days off, and there wasn't really any physical recovery involved, only emotional.

I think the hardest part for me is not even knowing whether it was a boy or a girl. So my sweet baby number 3 has no name, and just remains baby. Despite our loss, which I still think about daily, I try to focus my attention on being grateful for what I have. I have an incredible husband that took care of me at my worst and when I needed it the most. I have 2 amazing daughters that make life worth living. I have a wonderful job that I love to wake up and go to everyday. I have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, and food on my table. I don't know when or if we will try again, but my doctor keeps reminding me I have 2 healthy girls, and a healthy pregnancy can happen again. But until we cross that bridge, I just want to cherish the time I do have with Gracen and Hadley (and of course the Mr.).


Anonymous said...

Sitting here with tears in my eyes as I read your story. I am so sorry for your loss, and can't imagine the heartbreak you experienced. Thanks for sharing- it is a VERY real thing that happens to women, and while it sucks we always try to remember that God has a plan. I'll be thinking about you and your family, hang in there!

Paige Elise said...

I am so sorry to hear about this and I think it is very brave to share your story with us. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Your strength shows in your ability to count your blessings - we could all learn from you!